Excerpt: Painting by numbers

8) The Seth Mason needs a girlfriend application form

1. Do you smoke? (Yes I mean weed bitches, any loser can smoke a cigarette.)

2. Do you have boobs? (If all you have is oranges, you need not apply. I’m more of a melon guy.)

3. Do u mind if I wake you up in the middle of the night just to talk? (Even if it's totally random? Like, wtf is the use of Pi?)

4. Are you going to criticize me for every little thing I do? (Teachers and my parents do this enough, so no need for more.)

5. Will you tell me what you're feeling or thinking, at any given moment in time? (I’ll tell you what’s on MY mind at any time, so if you think my dick is too small or if you’re going to dump me for another reason, I want you to tell me right away.)

6. Will you tell me if there’s something you don't like about me? (I will not hesitate to tell you all the things I don’t like about you!)

7. Will you laugh at my jokes even if you don’t understand what the hell I’m talking about? (I don’t care if you don’t understand me, but at least pretend you do.)

8. What is your favorite food? (If you like Chinese, and/or Mexican food, you need not apply. I like good old American cooking. Reply you like burgers and I promise I’ll eat you like one.)

9. Will you just ditch me to hang out with your friends? (At least say no now.)

10. Will you have sex with me even if you promised your mom you’d stay virgin until marriage? (Seriously, I’m so sick of people NOT trying to get in my pants. Forget about all the previous points. I don’t need a girlfriend, or any friends. I just want someone to fuck me like a damn monkey in the jungle. Is that too much to ask for, to have someone to fuck? Can you be the one who’s after my dick instead of my heart? Just remember this; friends come and go, but fuck buddies are forever.